The role of fat shaming in our society and how we can help

     A couple of weeks ago I was in the coffee line at a function and ran into someone who has known me for years. This very sweet lady was telling her boyfriend that I used to be "a bigger girl"; "plus size". I told the man that I used to be fat. She said she was trying to make it sound better. I said there is nothing wrong with the word. Fat is not a bad word. It's a descriptive word. And I am understanding of her tendency to not want to refer to someone, especially a female, in those terms. Society has taught us that fat is a bad word to use for reference.
    When I was fat I felt shamed a lot for my size. Rather than look at me for who I was I was instead judged by many to be such things as lazy, unmotivated, ugly--in other words--unacceptable. Fat does not equal unhealthy just as thin doesn't equal healthy. I was unhealthy because I was a smoker, unregulated type 2 diabetic, had high blood pressure and high cholesterol--NOT because of my weight. My weight was a part of the picture but not the entire picture. I went to lose the weight not based on looks but on finding a healthier way of living. Feeling better about myself was a side-effect of losing the weight but I also found many things to be true that are dictated by the society we live in and how I was viewed both as a fat woman and a thinner woman.
   When I started to lose the weight and get healthier I was suddenly treated as "an equal". People said how pretty I looked NOW as though there were nothing attractive about me before. The clothing industry rewarded me by giving me a wider choice of clothing when I went shopping. I was able to feel I 'fit in' with others. I had felt beautiful as a fat woman and I felt beautiful as a smaller woman but was only really reinforced when I lost the weight. People didn't ask me how I felt inside--how was my blood pressure, my blood sugar levels, my ability to do more activities? They asked me "How did you lose the weight?".
   I had a podiatrist I once went to find out about my former size and asked me "How did you finally go from being fat and lazy to where you are now?". I had actually never been lazy. I was an active person then. I was a gardener, a hiker, loved to go camping, a fan of dancing and a hard working woman who loved my friends and family and my life. I never went back to that doctor again. I remember when I saw on my medical chart the words "Obese" and how that made me feel inside. The word Obese, again, is a descriptor word however I had internalized that shame from my many years of viewing women in magazines and movies that equated thin with beautiful.

I went to lose the weight when I was told I had Type 2 diabetes. I was motivated to do it not because I felt ugly but because I didn't want to start losing limbs, going blind and dying an earlier death due to my health problems. I had just as many positive qualities as a fat woman as I did as a thinner woman.
   The fat shaming in our society is a sickness and it leads many women-and 10% of men--be feel unworthy and judged due to their size rather than look beyond the physical characteristics to the person as a whole.
  As a trainer I want to instill in my clients and students that they are not the sum of their pounds--that they can accept themselves wherever they are in life and whatever they look like--that being thin is not what being healthy is about. Fitness is not about looks it's about making healthier choices because you want to live longer, feel better and rely less on the medical establishment and more on a holistic view of yourself.
   Focusing on size equals worthiness leads to extremely unhealthy problems for women. These problems like anorexia, bulimia, self-injury and suicidal behaviors due to self-shaming and low self-esteem can be lethal. Anorexia is the most lethal of the mental illnesses. I was lucky in that when I went to get healthier I didn't get sucked into the eating disorder problems. I was able to look at the physical aspects and focus on eating better, regulating my blood sugar and being more active. Many people are not as lucky. 

    Remember that the fat person you see is first and foremost a PERSON. When you make snap judgements based on looks you write off what could be the best friend, lover, partner, parent you will ever meet.

A poem: Tale of the 100 mile journey

The tale of the 100 mile journey

by Heather lake

Here we start a journey

we know not how it will end

bravely taking our first steps to

that twisting trail

we leave our safe havens

pushing our bodily ships to sail

we wind our way hearing

conversations and birds

the wind in the trees

the rustling leaves

the calls of the aid stations

and the care of volunteers

when our feet are planted

on the clay of the woods

we take a moment, rise up and

feel that bit of gift

of life under our feet,

all around us,

in the trees, the flowers, the hills

and creeks

when the rain falls we listen

to it pelt upon the trees

hearing the sigh of the wind

we are one with the breeze

feet carry us through the ebb and flow

our hearts beat as we boldly go

feeling the heat of the sun,

the cool of the rain

pressing on through doubt,

perhaps pain

But darkness comes and the moon glows

lights like tiny fireflies grow

dancing through the glades and hills

all quiet now as sun fades down

the forest dancing all around

flowers glow like little white lights

and everything around feels fey at night.

Pushing on we feel the dance

of life, of heartbeat, of love and chance

each person met greeted with love

praising each hard moment that we rise above

and then, like a wedding guest,

the sunrise comes

glowing and gleaming

a joyous sight

and we know we have finished the night

and to our friends we finish our fight

hugging them and feeling that gift of flight

when we can finally sit and know we did

the biggest thing we have ever done

and now we are all, every one of us, ONE.

IT100 training--coming down to the wire

  Well the big day is drawing nearer and nearer. It has been a long time waiting and training. Though I can be hard on myself that I might not have trained enough or in the right way I am sure that I have done all I can at this point. Only a couple more weeks of training and I start to taper down to the race.
   I have worked on many things that I think tripped me up last year. One, last year I DID spend a bit too much time getting myself together at the aid stations and didn't always have clear objectives when people tried to help me. Some of this was later on when I was just too tired to think but even in the beginning laps I could have been more organized and better able to help the ones who were trying to help me.    
   Two, my nutrition last year was very haphazard. I have never been really great at nutrition. Usually I just bring along some swedish fish (everyone who knows me knows this) and some natural made fruit roll ups and then just snack at the aid stations when i was hungry. WRONG.  Not only is this wasting time trolling the delicious snacks at every aid station and trying to decide on the fly what I am hungry for it also may provide the wrong macronutrients at the wrong time.
      Though the volunteers are awesome and we couldn't do this without them and the food is truly delicious I had to have some kind of plan as to what, when and how I was going to provide nutrients so that I can make quick decisions as I go along and make sure I am staying satisfied in calories and still be able to bypass the food at aid stations--at least not eat every time. There are 6 laps and 3 aid station stops  plus start finish so that is 21 times I am stopping during the race. I think last year that truly hurt my time. 
   So instead this year I am trying a leaner nutrition plan. I put it together with the help of my pacer this year and it worked great at Land Between the Lakes 60k. It is a mixture of Tailwind and honey gels/waffle stingers/shot blocs to carry me through. AT the 100 I will also mix in some real food because I have to do that. But LBL was awesome for a test of this basic plan.
     I sipped the Tailwind every 5-10 minutes and every two miles ate something. I was able to bypass many aid stations...stopping long enough to maybe use the bathroom or drink a little coke, thank the volunteers and run off. Just by doing that I knocked an entire hour off of my time of the same race I ran in 2014. I was able to finish in 8:16 on my Garmin and 9:06 officially and so far my fastest 50k has been over 9 hours. What a difference some planning makes!!
   I have run three back to back 20 mile runs in the last few days. That was to do time on my feet training and also nutrition training again as that seems to be one of my problems areas. The first 20 mile run on Sunday I went pure Tailwind...no gels or food. I found that I got a little tired without some caffeine in a gel or something. So Monday I ran no Tailwind only gels/shot blocs. Again I started to lose energy. This morning I ran with a mixture and it went great! My stomach was growling by the time i got home but that's fine. I didn't feel the need for tons of nutrition as this was 20 miles in town. Much different than 100 miles on a trail!
   I have also been testing out my shoes. I have two different pairs of Altras going. I think I like them both about equally so I am bringing both pairs with me. ALSO a pair of really big open shoes for the finish. (Thanks to Mory!) 
  I am going to be better about packing my needs this year. I am not the best at organization I know that. But I found that by packing individual packs of the tailwind i needed as well as the gels i would need it was easier to grab and go. One thing!!! I am pre-mixing my tailwind and also packing it in a sealed plastic tub instead of a drop bag. At LBL I opened my drop bag at the end of the race and it was full of ants. Apparently (DUH) they like Honey Stinger Gels too!! 
   I had wanted to run the course at least once this year to get the idea of it but it didn't work out. I ran a lot of my training in town. However I have trained for many trail races in town and did fine. The course will be well marked and I have a general idea from last year plus I have viewed a very helpful video to renew my memory. 
   I had some great pacers last year. They both did a wonderful job of handling me when I was tired and sometimes cranky. I applaud their efforts on my behalf. I think this year having the same pacer for the entire last 50 miles is going to be good. I can get accustomed to her way of pacing and we can get a rhythm going for the race. I also last year really could have used a pacer the last lap. By then I was so tired and kind of out of it I really could have used some guidance. The wonderful Jerry Deihl helped me last year prodded me to the end. This year it will be good to have someone consistently with me to get me into the last lap with wind left in my sails. 
 
   All I can say is just that I feel truly lucky and extremely grateful to my ultra running community for being so great to me, so THERE for me and so supportive of me. Terry Fletcher and all at  Indiana Trail Running, BARA, Mike Pfefferkorn, all the other runners from last year, my pacer this year is already supporting me 100% and all of this makes this race all the more special. It will be like a big family reunion with a LOT of running thrown in but also a lot of emotions, laughs, ups and downs, great food, two sunrises, a sunset, beautiful woods and lots of great energy from everyone around. 

  Here is Mory Bailey running me up the finish line at the end of the race last year. Her energy was very much needed and I appreciated her being there and everyone being there at the end. It was a great HUGE thing for me to have finished and I was truly proud to be an ultra runner. I cannot wait to go back!


                         One month left. Almost running up that finish line. Almost.............

Land Between the Lakes 60k--training run sucess!

       I am at a critical point in my 100 mile training. The race is only five weeks away. I had to take a little time off because after my big back to back weekend a couple weeks ago where I did 16 on Saturday and 20 on Sunday the top of my right foot was hurting a bit. I went and got it checked out and no stress fracture so it was just an overuse problem so I rested, iced it, babied it and it got much better. I was nervous, though, as I had to take two weeks off of training and I am usually very strict with myself about my training program. However if I am injured then the races were out completely.
  I showed up to the starting line of the land between the lakes 60k without having really run in two weeks. I have an active lifestyle so I was walking a lot, riding my bike, doing HIIT workouts in my classes and generally all kinds of things but had not had a "scheduled" run in awhile.
  I was also testing a new nutrition plan I am going to follow for the race. It consists of Tailwind, gels and honey stinger waffles and not much else. Tailwind hasn't worked very well before for me but I got some good advice about just how and when to use it and this time it worked. I filled up my hydration pack with 32 ounces of water, added four scoops of Tailwind to it and every lap I refilled it. I also had some gels with me and some packets of baby food at the drop bag site. I had a 16 oz. bottle of regular water as well. The Tailwind had been hard to take before because I had the flavored kind. This time I used the unflavored or "naked" tailwind and it was much better.
   Every 10 minutes I drank some Tailwind. Every two miles or so I took a gel only if I felt I needed one. I was able to run by the aid stations with only stopping to take a couple of Enduralyte pills for electrolytes and sodium replacement and drink a little coke. Otherwise I didn't feel hungry and was able to run by the food. At the drop bag site I would refill my pack with 32 oz of water and four scoops of tailwind, eat a packet of baby food for some "real food" nutrition and then be on my way.
   I was also testing my walk/run strategy. I ran for 25 minutes and then walked for 5 minutes. The times I didn't take a walk break was if I was on a downhill or a nice straightaway because I didn't want to waste a good downhill or run-able part with walking. I walked all the big hills and switchbacks however even when I was walking it was speedwalking--I tried to keep walking pace below 14 minute miles and it worked out about that pace.
  I did eat a little real food at about mile 20. I think it was more for the taste than that I really needed it. But after 20 miles brownies grew hard to resist.
  I also got to negative splits which I really like. By the last 8 miles or so of the race I was speeding up to sometimes 10 minute miles. I felt good the whole race, was passing quite a few runners and didn't feel any pains or aches. I had good energy and was able to keep my mind focused on the task at hand. Having to watch my watch to make sure I drank and ate my gels at the right times really also helped to keep me on point. I also left my phone at the cabin. One--because I tend to lose phones quite easily but two--i didn't want to have the temptation to take photos of the beautiful views.
   Land between the Lakes is a beautiful place to run. The trail winds all around Kentucky Lake and the woods are lovely. The frogs were singing too. I could hear the birds in the trees and the weather was perfect. Overcast, not too hot and the rain didn't start until the last bit of the race and by then I was hot so it was actually the perfect timing for some rain. There was mud--seems there is always mud--but it wasn't too bad. Pretty manageable.
   I finished it in 8:16 on my Garmin time and 9:96 official time which is an awesome time for me. My last 50k was over 9 hours so here I had added on 6 more miles and done it an hour faster. Whoot! I feel so much better about the race now. I feel like my planning is going well and I can get through the aid stations faster and knock off loads of time that way. I think I arranged my drop bag strategy well too to make it quick and not dawdle which I can tend to do.


On to April 30th and the Big Day!!

Long training run: The ins and outs of effort

     So today I had a long training run to do. 25 miles. Training for a goal that is still months away can sometimes be a hard thing to continue to focus on. I do this by writing out elaborate and very specific training plans where each day is laid out for me as to how many miles to do that day, whether to cross-train, weight train or rest. That way I can just look at it and know what I am doing for that day.  I like to joke that my training plan is the "Boss of Me" but really it is. I feel that by following a plan I can really be more fully prepared for the race ahead. 
   The morning started out with every kind of delay you can think of to just get out the door. First I DID get up at 6, had the idea to get out the door by 7 since I knew how long this run would take.  On long run days the first thing i do before anything is get my running clothes on I had set out the night before so I am already mentally in "run mode" before I do anything. The longer I stay in my comfy pajama pants the harder it is to transition to running clothes. This morning, however, I had decided instead of 29 degrees it was perhaps -10. I put on three layers of clothes on my upper body, two pairs of running pants, two pairs of socks...it was crazy. Maybe I just felt cold upon waking but anyway after I had my breakfast I realized I was way overdressed and that is a horrible thing on a long run. You only have two choices: start disrobing extra layers and carry them with you the whole time wrapped around your waist or tucked in somewhere. So I took off one layer and went to check my hydration pack. 
   Hydration pack was missing a piece to the hose. Shit. I looked everywhere for it, squashed the urge to check online to see if i would have to buy a whole new hose or hydration bladder once I realized it was the O ring that was missing. So. No hydration pack. Bummer. It holds a liter and half of water in it which isn't a big deal in town but it also has many very handy pockets and places to stash phone, food, etc... I also (Not a good week for gear) had lost two caps to my water belt bottles so more time was spent looking for two more caps (finally found two more) so I could carry the water in my belt. This meant not any real pockets so i had to re-do my plans for carrying stuff. I have thought of a good way to carry my huge phone now---I tuck it into an arm warmer on my arm rolled up so it tucks in there very nicely so no need to carry it around in my running belt which is getting pretty worn itself. 
   So, okay, breakfast.....then I had to take another layer off because..29 degrees....so I got all dressed in my running clothes and Altras and finally got to head out. As soon as i stepped out I felt ice. Oh oh. Run in to get on my trail shoes which have the nice rubber nobbies on them and also my yaktrax for the ice. Outside. Ready to go. Forgot my hat. DAMMIT! Got up at 6--left the house at 8:20. Oh well. 
    The ice was a challenge and I had to go pretty slowly and keep a special look out for shiny parts that meant ICE. The traction on my Salomon Fellrunners really helped i think even more than the yaktrax but, still, had to go fairly slowly. I have also started Maffetone training again which, unlike the usual method of 220-age for max heart rate, is 180-age and then add or subract a bit of points for such thing as recent injuries, running mileage, etc..i had been running pretty consistently high mileage without any injuries so I added a few points making my heart rate max on the program 141. I found, to my happy surprise, that the Maffetone Method really works as well as they say. I was able to stay well under my heart rate while still maintaining my generally usual pace. In an un-icy environment it would have been even better. 
    I have also been practicing a race technique wherein I run 17 minutes, speed walk 3 minutes, then run 17 min, speed walk 3 minutes. I happen to be a pretty fast walker so can usually keep up about 14 minute mile and have had on good advice this would be a good way to do the run/walk intervals for the 100 mile. I have actually started working on a strategy for the 100 miler that has to do with walking/running that I think might work in my favor and help me to get my time in under 30 this year....hopefully a pretty good amount under 30 if I work very hard and am dedicated and persistent. 
   I get a lot of thinking done on these long runs and sometimes run through a lot of emotions. I have so much time to myself that get a lot of things worked out. This is another reason I love endurance training---it really gets me in touch with myself--how I feel about things, what I have been worried about, things I want to do and see and what I want for my life. Big, deep thoughts but also little thoughts about my friends, my work, stuff I need to get done, snippets of poetry or music. It's good to have that time alone to just process. 
   It was about 2 1/2 hours into the run I started to feel a run-down feeling. I had my gummy fish for some quick sugar and also some honey sticks but felt I needed some coke and maybe a tiny bit of real food as by now it was already 11 am. So I veered off to burger king, got a small coke and some chicken nuggets, ate and then was on my way again. I felt revived by the food and sugar in the coke and so my pace was a little better and I felt better. 
   I kept up the 17/3 and occasionally picked an entire mile to speed walk it. That was good. It gave me a bit of variety. 
   I ran all over town, from the rail trail up the B-line to then grab walnut to 14th street then over to the college a bit, then hit downtown for a little bit, caught the B-line went up to 11th st....and so on. My Garmin beeped..shit running out of battery power...and I Had charged it up all night. Hoping it would withstand the rest of my run I also put on the Strava app on my phone just to make it up so i could then add everything together and get exact mileage. 
  I got near home, finally, 5 1/2 hours later at 25 miles. Because I am me I decided I wanted to run an extra mile and get in my own personal "marathon" so I ran a bit more. Wouldn't you know it. Garmin died at 25.66 but I know I was more than a third of  a mile until home so I am counting it. 

 Specifics of training run:

Shoes: Salomon Fellrunners
Gear: Nathan Hydration belt with two 9 ounce bottles for water
Nutrition:  Egg sandwich, banana for breakfast, honey sticks, gummy fish, chicken nuggets, coke
Hydration: about 30 oz. of water, no electrolyte drink
Pace: Variable depending on iciness of terrain and whether running or speed walking
Training specifics worked on during the training run:  Maffetone Method training; 17/3 interval training; Time on my Feet; nutrition timing. 

The joyful side of winter training

   It's always hard at the beginning of a long training cycle that you know is going to last several months. I have to break it down into weekly tidbits to avoid getting overwhelmed looking at all the miles, training and heavy lifting (both physically and mentally) to keep it up and keep going eve during those cold mornings when the blankets feel like heaven but i have 21 miles to run that day. Even on those Friday nights when I could stay up late reading or being online and instead have to hit the hay early so I can be up at the crack of dark to start my long run. Thinking about biting cold, snowy mornings, running through cold rain and early dark times. 
  I happen to be the kind of idiot who signs up for very long early spring races which means I train through the winter. While everyone is hunkered down in warm houses drinking hot tea and watching "Downtown Abbey" I am getting ready for the next day's cold run. 
  But you know what? I wouldn't change it for anything. I embrace the suck, as they say. And I know that the reward will be worth it all. I remember a friend on a long run saying, as I was training for my first marathon, "suck it up buttercup" (you might know who you are if you are reading this).  I never forgot that. I paid for the Privilege of being able to run this many miles. I remember all those who are in their houses because they are sick or tired or unable to do the things I love to do. They may dream of running out in the wild woods for hours and hours and feeling that ultra tired and accomplished feeling but cannot. 
    I feel LUCKY--whether that sounds weird to some--to go out into the cold morning with my headlamp on bundled up like a snowman and listen to that absolute snowy early morning peace. The calm of the world at that time..the silence..is like a church sanctuary. The lights along the streets of Bloomington shining in that delicate iridescence like far away moons becomes my mental state. I start to dream and drift a little while I run those early mornings. The miles fade away and all I can hear is the crunch of snow under my feet, my breathing in and out. All my anxieties of the week disappear with each breath. Anything that is bothering me emotionally or mentally disappears like the wisp of snowflakes I might see fall like slow gentle rain. 
  They say you can never be truly ready for change. Yet life is change--all the time. If things didn't change they would stagnate and die. But to be evolving through hard work, ethical behavior, responsible living, joyfulness in the beginning of the self learning to BE itself---that is the best thing in life. 
  So I make my training cycle on a piece of paper, make three copies and post it all over my house. I keep track of my miles on my calendar so I know which weekends to do what mileage. I start to include cross-training, hill training and speed workouts. I work on my long runs---I change my terrain, my footing, I re-evaluate my gear and make changes as I see fit. 
   And it makes the winter pass with so much more gentleness and courage. I find myself smiling at strangers who look cold and miserable but they may see me (remembering my early morning running homily) smiling at them and perhaps their day goes a little better. I can bring that energy into my work week, my time with family and friends, my day to day challenges and face them with a brighter outlook. 

And it's all due to that day-in, day-out schedule of workouts, runs, long runs and rest days. 

 

Why I love Tecumseh

      Running Tecumseh Trail Marathon has become a much-looked forward to yearly event for me (except last year when I did it in January AND October). There are SO many reasons that I have taken to Tecumseh in some very spiritual ways and why I do it every year without fail. 
       In 2012 I was still a very fresh endurance runner. I had only just started running the year before and had been training for it with some of my best new friends. The long runs leading up to it, the prep work was some of the most fun times I had ever had. I got to make new friends in the process of training for my second marathon. 
   

      I remember a particularly great training run with my friend Melanie. It was fun. It was relaxed and friendly. We took lots of photos. Cute photos. The trails were lovely and the day was perfect. 
     The first time I ran it there were so many friends there I felt surrounded by love and affection. It was like a party. Friends, food and beautiful trails. What more could you ask for? The weather that day was absolutely gorgeous!! I kept running into friends along the way at exactly the moment I needed them. Chris Banal was waiting at the top of killer Indian hill taking photos with a big smile. At one point Maria and Rachel were there with oranges. Magic! Later on I ran into a small tribe of hashers (Rebecca and friends) who gave me a bit of beer and a big send off to the final miles. 
   And finishing was a triumph!! I felt like a superhero! I felt I could run forever on that beautiful day! (well no my legs felt like jello but my spirit was definitely up for more trail running. Go spirit go! I'll meet up with you later)
    Then after there was a fire, beer, food, more photos, just having fun being together. I never forgot any of it. 

That is why Tecumseh is my favorite race. It reminds me I am never alone...that there is love always around me...that my spirit is always sharing that love and I can keep my friends close even when they are not actually here. The trails keep me happy. My friends keep me sane. 

LET'S GO GET THOSE HILLS!!!!!!