So I finally got around to checking out my results on the IT100 page for the race last April. I finished a minute late and past the cutoff for the Indiana Trail 100 mile race and so have an "official DNF (did not finish)". This was upsetting to me for a couple of reasons. One, because it had been such a HUGE thing to me to finish this race and had been a gigantic step in my own development as a person I wanted it officially noted but also because I felt stupid for letting something like that upset me. It is only three letters (DNF) and it is only an official thing. It means little in the great scheme of things. I DID Finish. I DID make it to the end and cross that line. I made so many wonderful new friends and felt so much more powerful inside for having done it. Why did that make me feel bad for even a second??
I think it's because I wanted the credit and, really, that's stupid. There were many people who were truly unable to finish that weekend and would have loved to finish it--credit or not. I felt small inside when I felt that disappointment in myself. I think sometimes I get caught up in the "official" times and external rewards.....I love my race medals because they are a concrete way for me to remember the event and all that happened during that event. I love being able to wear my race gear. I think sometimes that the extrinsic rewards are easier to hold onto than the intrinsic ones----the feeling of accomplishment, the idea that I was able to change things for myself, the journey itself from starting to run at all up to finishing the 100 mile event, the host of friendships and contacts I made that have made my life deeper and more authentic than ever before---yet the rewards inside are SO much more than anything outside could be.
Since finishing the IT100 I have found reserves inside me I hadn't found before. I feel stronger in a million ways. I have so many friends and running companions who I treasure for their perseverance and support. So I look onto the page and see DNF and why does that hurt me? That is when I feel small. I need to remind myself that it's only the clock that beat me...and that by only a minute.
If I finish it is enough. If I work hard and have an amazing experience and meet all kinds of new people that is the real reward. If I respect all the work I put into this race it is enough and more.
And I will remember all the other things that came with the race: My friend who gave me his hard-won buckle and shook my hand; all the friends who helped me during and after the race; my buddies who came out to cheer; my family being proud of me; the pacers who put in the hours on that course with me; the great time I had; the respect I feel inside myself; the respect I feel for all those who did this race and, finished or not, put in the work and tried their very best.
Official results are just that: They cannot take away my finish. They cannot take away my happiness at having done it or that it makes me feel so good.
