So last weekend I took on the Indiana Trail 100 for the second time. Last year I finished the 100 miles and it was an amazing experience. This year I went to attempt it again. It was such an exciting atmosphere when I got there on Friday afternoon. The tents were up, the start finish line was all ready for us, there were my friends gathered around to say hi to and talk to and I felt good and ready. I had brought quite a lot of stuff with me. I had been working on planning better for this year.
The morning of the race I got up at 4:30 am, got my running clothes on ( I had actually slept in the inner layers that night) and found my way to the Indiana Trail Running tent to get myself ready.
There was coffee to drink and everyone was already gathered around getting stuff ready. So exciting to be getting ready to finally start the race I had been preparing for for the last six months of long runs, strength training, cross-training and mentally preparing for the challenge. I had run long runs in the early morning listening to the birds waking up and singing to me. I had thought a lot of things through on those runs, worked on problems I had in my life, meditated to the sound of my feet hitting the pavement, my heart beating, my breath.
I got out my cereal to eat but was already running out of time so didn't really get a chance to eat it all. I packed my hydration pack with food and filled my water bottles up and spoken to my mentor and pacer Tiffany before hand. She gave me a pep talk and we took a photo by the start finish line. We all stood there in the dark morning wishing each other good luck, getting geared up to start--all our headlamps lighting up the dark.
The gun went off and we started out to the grassy area. I was told by Tiffany to think of the grassy part as my fast part and then when the trail got more technical to do my walk/run strategy I had been working on. I had my salt tablets ready to take one every hour, drank regularly every 10 minutes from my water bottle and eat something every 2 miles. I wanted to keep moving and not stop much and I did that successfully. At the aid stations I only got my water filled up, grabbed something to eat that I had decided ahead of time I needed and keep on going. My time at the aid stations I had already worked out to be about 3 minutes so really tried to stick to that schedule.
I found out already that I wasn't feeling hungry but still grabbed something at each aid station. I also had packed a lot of food but because it was stored in the back of my pack and I didn't want to stop much I didn't end up eating it. I did take my salt tablets as instructed and when I went into the aid stations made sure I already had my pack off and then things I needed to drop off at my drop bag ready to go and a plan for what I needed ahead of time.
The first lap went great! The trail was pretty dry, I was able to get some good running time in and I made it in just over four hours. I had written down a schedule of when to be at each aid station and was happy I managed to make the times exactly or even a bit early in some cases. I checked my garmin regularly to make sure I was keeping under a 16 minute pace and see when the next aid station was coming up so I was prepared before I got there.
At the start finish line at the first lap was done I quickly went into the ITR tent and that when I realized I had already became calorie deficient and tried to make sure to eat something. I was helped to rearrange my pack and how the food was put in the front pockets to make sure I had easy access to it and was told in no uncertain terms I needed to eat something every two miles!
On lap two is when the rain started. I was happy I had worn my nice rain jacket that was provided as part of our package and also I had packed a rain poncho. I was able to keep going pretty steadily despite it and reached the Rally aid station still on schedule. But then the trail began to become very muddy and getting slippery. I had changed from my Salomon Fellraiser trail shoes to my Altras that had no traction to speak of. The reason I had changed them is because the trail shoes had begin to feel heavy to me on the first lap and my feet had started to feel sore. But the only thing is like I said I love my Altras but the bottoms of them are completely smooth so I was slip-sliding everywhere and a couple of times fell in the mud or had to ski riskily down some of the hills. It was also becoming more difficult to get up the hills as they had became mud slides. I grasped trees along the path to help me up the hills and some of the downhills used the trees to hold onto to ease my speed sliding down the mud.
When I got to Rally aid station I was pleased it was right on time anyway despite the mud. My wonderful friends were there offering me food, asking what I needed, making sure i had my headlamp as by now I was so dazed I was just forgetting everything. I grabbed some stuff from my drop bag, was told to eat and obediently ate some grilled cheese. I had some soup at the Schoolhouse that was so amazing to me. It is a great thing when you are cold to have some hot soup to warm up your insides. At the Schoolhouse on the way back to the start finish they had turkey burgers and I ate one and it was so good! I was now taking my salt tablets at every aid station to make sure I had them regularly.
When I got back to the start finish after that lap, however, I was a mess. I had to change into dry clothes as I was starting to get very cold in my lighter clothes and knew that the third lap It would start to become darker and I didn't want to start feeling too cold. I was shaking and had to change my socks and shoes. I was given food to eat, warm soup that I was told to eat all of it. My friends were there and it was so great to see them and they were so sweet--asking me how I was feeling, was anything hurting, did I need anything? Tiffany, my pacer, helped me off with my wet clothes and I grabbed my trekking poles for the third lap. As I went by a friend who was really sailing by he reminded me I had to do this in under 5 hours. I felt very stressed at this point as I knew the mud was going to really slow me down and I really wanted to make the cutoff this time.
It was not to be. The trekking poles were really a dream come true. I was able to run with them and they helped me navigate the really slippery parts without slipping and falling. They also helped me get up and down the hills easier without having to grab trees.
However even with the poles and my working my hardest to keep going the mud at this point was so thick and constantly slippery I was unable to make much progress. I began to feel so cold in what I was wearing. I also was starting to feel this kind of dazed feeling like thing were unreal. I was fading inside and feeling sadness. I plodded through the mud and cried many times, feeling frustrated with my lack of progress and watching other runners glide by me and felt like I was not good enough, why did I try to do this when I felt not good enough and watched other runners with pacers so knew they were at least on the fourth lap and here I was struggling through my third.
It got darker and darker. I felt so alone and tired and dazed. I started to have some weird vision stuff happening too like seeing things flitting through the trees, hearing people behind me but when I turned back there was no one there. I kept going but was freezing, downhearted and had never felt like so much of a turtle runner. It got to be night and I knew it was taking me forever to get to the finish line.
I plodded on through the darkness all alone. I don't know where everyone went and felt alone and like I would never get to the finish line. I knew in my heart I was going to drop down to the 50 mile point and it made me feel relieved and sad at the same time. I only wanted to be a good, strong trail runner like everyone else seemed to be and as the other runners ran by me looking so fresh and strong they gave me a "great job". But I didn't feel like I was doing a good job and mumbled "thanks". I appreciated them saying that but I was not truly feeling it.
It was definitely a very low point for me. I got lost in the darkness a few times. It was utterly pitch black at this point and only my headlamp lighted up the dark woods. I knew I would have my great pacer at the next lap but just felt like I couldn't continue and knew in my heart was not going to make the cutoff again so decided before I even got to the tent I was now a 50 mile finisher. I was so cold and could see my breath and cursed myself not wearing better clothing that was warmer.
When I crossed the finish line that last lap I was so happy to see my friends there and they gave me big hugs and I tearfully told my pacer who was all ready to help me that I couldn't continue. I felt bad that she had worked with me so hard and felt I had let her down. I felt I had let everyone down but realized also that that was just mostly exhaustion from over 16 hours of movement. I had worked so hard, kept my times at the aid stations short, eaten like I was supposed to but just told her I couldn't do it anymore.
She was amazing though and just took me by the hand and led me to the tent and said I had gotten through 50 miles of a crazy hard course all by myself and that was awesome and she was proud of me. She led me into the nice, warm, lighted ITR tent announcing "we have a 50 mile finisher here!" and everyone clapped and I immediately felt better. My warm feelings about trail running, ultra running and my effort all came back to me in a moment.
As my friends told me how proud they were of me, I got off my wet clothes by the fire and was given my 50 mile medal with a flourish I suddenly felt no failure in my efforts, no more self-critical thoughts. It was like the last miserable lap had changed in my mind to a triumph over a serious challenge.
I sat by the warm fire, given hot coffee to drink, laughed with my friends and felt included and loved and nourished by this community. The love I had for my community of fellow ultra runners and my IT100 family filled me up better than any food ever would.
I realized in my heart right then that it wasn't the speed or the strength of my running that mattered. What mattered was the love of the people I surround myself, the positive atmosphere in that tent, in these races. That is what brings me back to these events, to these challenges, to this way of life----because there is nothing more satisfying than knowing I did my best and it doesn't matter if I am fastest, strongest, first place or the best. It only is me against myself--the growth that comes with besting a difficult situation--feeling all those dark feelings but being able to deal with them as they come and put them aside when I'm done and fill my heart back up with the warmth and love all around me.
I adore my life. I love my friends. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend my days and years here on Earth. It only takes one person to change your whole life and that person is YOU.
