Who am I? Identity disturbance in borderline personality disorder

Identity problems in borderline personality disorder

   Borderline Personality Disorder is a very misunderstood and maligned illness. It affects 20% of the population and yet people feel they need to hide it to keep the goodwill of their social group(s). The most pervading symptom of BPD is the concept of identity disturbance or lack of cohesive identity. 

  BPD can usually be traced back to childhood. Most of those afflicted grew up in abusive, neglectful and/or unstable households. The parents may have had BPD themselves or another mental illness and possibly addiction issues. So the child is never sure who or what the parents will be from day to day. Will mommy or daddy be happy today, crying or angry? Will the parents be loving or fighting? Will I be hurt or left alone or scared? Are we moving again? Will mommy/daddy go into the hospital?

  Since the childhood household is so changeable day to day the child starts to get very good at adapting THEIR moods, outlooks and ways of behaving from the cues of the parents. So if daddy is really happy today the child gets their cue from that and is happy as well. If the child is being hurt or neglected it must be that the child's actions have brought it on because mommy or daddy cannot be wrong or everything will feel out of control. Boundaries in households such as this can also be very blurred. The parents, feeling out of control themselves, may lean on the child for acceptance, validation or affection instead of the other way around. So the child learns they must put their own needs and feelings aside or hide them in order to keep the parent more stable. 

  When the borderline patient grows up that pattern has been thoroughly installed in their personality. That is all a personality disorder is. It's a pattern of behavior that the child learned and adapted as a coping mechanism and then it pervades the behavior for the adult's life. 

  One of the most crippling symptoms is the lack of identity. The adult borderline patient has kept their true self hidden for so long that there is an empty space there. They have adapted to having their self guided by others so they know how to act, what to be interested in, what career to have, what religion to be and other very important facets of who we are as a core identity. That core identity is just not there. It is a big, empty canvas that the borderline can then paint with any colors that come from outside themselves. That gives a sense of belonging and stability. 

  So the person may be involved with a particular religion and throw themselves into it 100%. For that period of time that is who they ARE. As that may shift due to other social groups they become involved in and then taking their cues from outside once again they may shift an activity or career and once again they are that 100%. When that activity, career, religion, social group or relationship ends or shifts then the person is left with nothing to pin their identity to and it can feel like floating in an ocean and, like the ocean, it is a vast space and you can feel as though you are drowning in emptiness, self-doubt and uncertainty. The inner child comes out and that uncertainty can harken back to the core instability felt in the formulating years of their personality. They have no idea who they are. 

  The borderline is then, like a drowning person, liable to grasp at the first straw they see. Whether that be a new career direction, a new relationship, new friends and other things. That is where the impulsiveness comes in. When you are drowning you don't take time to analyze the rescue boat. You just get in. 

   While there can be a good prognosis for the person who is able to get professional help many do not see they are sick or do not have access to mental health care so they can continue on this path for the rest of their life. Some are too sick to really completely heal and so even with help they can still have all the pervasive qualities of this illness for life as well. It is a difficult thing to heal the personality for that is who you ARE. That is what makes you YOU. If you can maintain that core throughout all the changes in life that everyone goes through than you can be a more stable person. 

It is borderline personality disorder awareness month. That's a mouthful isn't it? But it is important to spread the word about this little understood illness and to educate people beyond what they may see in "Girl Interrupted". 

If you know of someone with this illness do not run from them. That will activate that fear of abandonment and will be difficult for the person to take. Keep reminding them of boundaries in a compassionate way understanding that they are not always in full control of how they act and react. Try to understand them and realize they are a person with an illness. They are not the illness itself.